Sometimes I Want Funyuns

My eating habits aren’t too bad. They’d need to be better if I cared more about six-pack abs than general happiness, but I do not—so for what I value most, I do pretty well. For me, the quickest way to make life less lovely, is to wake up day after day with food restrictions.


I opt for a more doable solution, which is simply … moderation. I eat really well more meals of the week than I don’t. If there are 21 meals in a week, I go wheels off for probably 6-7 of them. That’s really all there is to it.

When it comes to the other 14-15 food decisions, I’m usually pretty good.


Sometimes I eat good and stay mindful of what I’m putting in my body—doing quick calculations of my veggie and protein intake, ensuring I have a well-balanced eating day in the works … but sometimes, I just want Funyuns.

Sometimes I want to take a short plunge into clean eating—really go all-out whole foods from the earth—and truly experience feeling light and good and full of energy. I want to blog about whole food recipes that I’ve tweaked for full flavor; I want to post on Facebook about a new spaghetti squash recipe that hit the spot … but sometimes I just want two dozen donut holes and a quart of chocolate milk from the “spudnut shop” where I grew up.

Sometimes I count calories and do my best to stay away from empty ones (or ones that are a total waste simply because they’re not shared with someone who’s fun to eat with) … but sometimes I count how many Takis I can eat in a single sitting without a drink of water.


Sometimes I want to go home after work and make baked Dijon chicken, cauliflower mashed “potatoes”, grilled asparagus from the garden and a spinach and edamame salad with Meyer-lemon balsamic vinaigrette … but sometimes I just want to whip up some Kraft Mac ‘n Cheese. From the box. And not share.

It’s really not much different in other aspects of my life. My intentions are usually good and I typically end the day feeling pretty happy with my decisions and follow-through.


Sometimes while driving, I’m deep in thought, pondering the gift of life and love, the importance of forgiveness, the beauty of hope and the depth of my gratitude for having all of them … but sometimes I’m just thinking about all the ways Stephen Curry lights up an often dark world.


Sometimes I’m listening to books and learning more about things like Aspergers or organic gardening or slavery, through the magnificent characters in the stories I choose … but sometimes I’m listening to my iTunes library on shuffle, which means—for reasons I can no longer recall—I’m listening to Barry Manilow singing Even Now, live at Madison Square Garden.

Sometimes I wonder what it will be like to be in God’s presence. I think about the depth of His grace and mercy and play out all the ways I imagine Heaven to be—full of everything good and happy, from love and peace to music and feasts … but sometimes I just wonder what it would feel like to drive a riding lawnmower.

Sometimes I want to extend grace to the driver who rushed past everyone on the shoulder, and now demands entrance in front of me … but sometimes I want to get out of the car, assume an athletic stance—with my knees shoulder width apart—and fully extend my arms in front of me to flip them a double bird. For a full 5 Mississippi count.

Sometimes I want to dive into the gazillion pictures I have on multiple hard drives, and take time to go through them and delete near-duplicates and ones I’ll never need again … but sometimes I end up watching YouTube videos of animals who became unlikely friends.

unlikely friends2

Sometimes I want to stop wishing for it, and talking about it, and wanting it, and just get online and register for Rosetta Stone and learn Spanish … but sometimes I end up on trying to learn how to start a fire in the wild.

Sometimes I want to be really patient with people who aren’t keeping up, (like when I’m deep into a great story, and building to the ending, and then I reach the crescendo and someone says, “Now who was this about?” voiding out the entire narrative.) I want to be kind and understanding and give them the benefit of the doubt that I wasn’t clear who the main character was (even though I know I’m not that inept) … but sometimes I actually just want to forbid them from being in my presence until they’ve taken some classes on keeping up.


Sometimes I sit down to hand-write a couple of notes or letters … but sometimes I end up just practicing my autograph instead.

Sometimes I want to be more limber and get my muscles stretched out. I’ll read about an ideal stretching routine and all its benefits … but sometimes I just squat like a catcher for 6-7 seconds, then pour myself a cold beer and take pictures of the garden.

Sometimes I become resolute in my intentions to kick my Chapstick habit addiction … but sometimes I tell myself to calm down and remember that there are worse compulsions— then I reward my enlightenment by replenishing my stash in every spot I might spend more than 10 minutes.

Sometimes I’m good at dealing with difficult people at work and at Costco. I employ tactics like imagining them as a 6-yr old child, or telling myself everyone is fighting some kind of battle … but sometimes I watch them being their stupid, controlling, infuriating self and I want them to burst into flames.

Sometimes I want to finally go through old boxes and throw away some things I’ve hung on to, and no longer care about … but sometimes I end up reading my middle school report cards and college basketball stat sheets—and posting them on Instagram. #baller #3pointsforme #notalwaysanAstudent #basketballb4boys

Sometimes I have the patience of Job and enjoy the journey … but sometimes I have the patience of an itch and just want all of the guacamole in my belly.

Sometimes I want us to keep saving as much money as we do now—even more—so we can spend our retirement very comfortably and happily, traveling the world and decorating a second home bungalow … but sometimes I think surely all these blood moons mean something, and the end is near, and maybe we should just head out now.

Sometimes I get really antsy wanting to go back to Italy and spend two weeks looking at the Mediterranean, enjoying the Tuscan countryside, eating fresh pasta, eating fresh bread, drinking local wine, getting away from work, getting away from traffic and construction, getting away from a schedule … but sometimes I … no wait, I always want that. Those intentions are solidly in place.

Where do your good intentions take a sharp left turn?

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0 thoughts on “Sometimes I Want Funyuns

  1. I’ve thought about diets before, but then I realized I hate kale, and salad and no carbs. I think bread would be really lonely if everyone was on a diet and I can’t do that to bread.

  2. Sometimes … I think about staying awake all day and actually doing something from my list of “git her done today” assignments from your mom. But, then I realize how tired that has made me so I take another nap. The journey IS the destination. There is no daily chore that cannot be made more enjoyable by a nap. I’m getting tired now so,…
    Love the post!

  3. My good intention was to finish this work project, but now all I can think about is eating a Tigertail! 🙂 Loved the post…def brightened this dreary day!

  4. Loved your blog today. So many funnies! You make moderation seem so effortless. Your writing soothes my soul. Mac n cheese from a box??? I don’t believe you. ❤️

  5. Well I’d like to thank you for basically summing up my entire life in this single post. Like today when I told myself I WILL complete that press release draft because I don’t want it weighing on me any longer. But then … the internet. Snort. And my 15 percent off Sephora coupon burning a hole in my pocket. I never said I was proud!

  6. Can you print the whole first part about food onto a poster, maybe with a funny photo of a Cheeto with a hat on it or something, and send it to me? I have several places where I’d like to post that:) And; sometimes I’ll envision my Saturday morning starting with a long run, effortlessly pushing one of my kiddos in the stroller while they smile up at me, followed by a trip to the farmers market where I’ll purchase fresh local produce for a healthy homemade dinner. And then instead, IHOP. Syrup. More Syrup. Nap. The end.

    1. I hear that! Well, minus the nap. And syrup. And IHOP. But yes! Snort … you know these good intentions all too well and I happen to know you DO run more often than not!!

  7. Sometimes I too want to go back to Italy and eat fresh pasta, losing myself in the snaking back alley ways of Florence or Rome. . .sometimes I want to just sell everything I have, downsize my world and live a very simple life, sometimes I really just want to run away. . .
    Sounds like it’s time for a much needed trip 🙂
    happy thoughts and travels—Julie

  8. Sometimes I sit down to get some work done, and this time I’m really going to check more than two things off of my to do list, and then I decide to read hilarious blogs by my owl-loving friend who always makes me smile. Priorities in tact. 🙂

    1. Ha! I hope you got some stuff done afterwards! Who are we kidding—of course you did. You’re a WANTED WOMAN! That’s what happens when you’re an AUTHOR … chicks get bizzzzzzzy 😉

  9. This was so funny! But do you still want that Kraft Mac and Cheese now that Kraft has announced it is removing the preservatives and artificial colors? I fear it won’t taste as good. And it definitely will not glow in the dark anymore.