Next Level Lazy

I follow some Pinterest boards dedicated to cool gadgets and interesting technology. Lately, a few of them have become overrun with devices marketed as time-savers, but actually, they’re just, “Things you’d buy if you were too lazy to deserve life.” I ask myself time and time again, “Are we that lazy?!” And when I say we, I mean you.

Let’s jump off with some food prep. I don’t go a week without seeing one of these gems pop up somewhere. Never once have I thought, “Now there’s a utensil I can get behind.” First of all—and this is a hard truth we’ll circle back to—you don’t have room for another outlandish gadget. You don’t. I know you don’t.

Why, world, why?

Why, world, why?

When did slicing a banana become so cumbersome that you tried to think of a workaround? Bananas are soft; you could cut them with the wrong side of a butter knife. You don’t need this task to be easier.

Knives make these same suer-unique cuts.

Knives make these same super-unique cuts.

Interestingly enough, an avocado’s consistency is similar to a banana. Who dices a soft avocado and thinks, “My life is hard enough without having to carve all these lines. Why does guacamole require so much elbow grease?”

Side Note: Introduce me to something that preps a pineapple or spaghetti squash in one motion, and I’m in.

The most unnecessary kitchen item ever.

The most unnecessary kitchen item ever.

Anyone who buys—or even wants—a gadget to crack eggs, needs to consider which life decisions led to this downward spiral. The only thing hard about cracking an egg is nothing. Save your money and enroll in a camp to toughen up.

Lazy x10.

Lazy x10.

When is the last time you thought, “The world would be pretty drama-free if we just didn’t have to slice butter”? Does anyone watch an injustice and nod to themselves thinking, “Oh, karma’s gonna get you, kiddo, and I hope you rot in sewer while slicing sticks of butter ALLLLL day.” The answer is no—no one has these thoughts.

Please don't let me see you doing this.

Please don’t let me see you doing this.

Do you honestly need to sit down to peel potatoes? The only possible time I could imagine this need is if you were peeling potatoes for the city of Los Angeles. And remember, you don’t have room for another gadget—especially this one.

My eyes can't unsee this.

My eyes can’t un-see this.

Don’t ever let me walk in and catch you doing this. I’d rather walk in on anything—yes anything—else. You could dedicate your life to training service dogs and teaching sign language to toddlers, and if I walk in on you using one of these, you are dead to me.

I'll not stand for this.

I’ll not stand for this.

Look at me. LOOK at me. We do not give forethought to how we want to sit at the beach, and make purchases based on its inherent discomforts. If you need help sitting this way—because it’s simply too demanding—then don’t sit this way. We’re not debating this.

Ages 5 and under. YOU HEARD ME.

Ages 5 and under. YOU HEARD ME.

If you’re not wearing Underoos or getting tucked in at night, you can’t use this fork (even if it’s available in solid colors). You’re going to have to actually move your wrist and manually twist the spaghetti on a big girl fork. Please don’t succumb to this level of laziness or tell yourself it’s neat-o.

Capital L Lazy.

Capital L Lazy.

I don’t care if you grill out seven nights a week—this grate-scrubbing gadget is unacceptable. You also have no room for it. Don’t fool yourself into thinking it makes you an even cooler grill master; it actually negates your BBQing coolness. The only people who will tell you otherwise probably use the banana slicer. Be wary.

It's a kitchen, not a wood-working shop.

It’s a kitchen, not a wood-working shop.

No, Ma’am. If you’re prone to tears when chopping onions, a tool already exists for that—it’s called coping. We do not wear goggles to prep onions.

Nothing could possibly go wrong here.

Nothing could possibly go wrong here.

You will never convince me this is a good idea. The first reason has been established—you don’t have room for it. Beyond that, the list of issues inherent to this gadget is lengthy. Please just go with tradition and lift the milk out like a normal, non-lazy, not-crazy human. Oh good grief, I just saw what it’s called. Help.

I guess showers are just too taxing.

I guess showers are just too taxing.

A human washing machine, huh? There is a time and place for getting bathed by someone else—it’s called infancy. Obviously no one could afford this monstrosity (and you don’t have room for it, anyway.) But even if you could swing it financially, if I ever find out you looked at it longingly and did mental budgeting, we’ll be parting ways. Some call it tough love, I call it tough shit. I don’t roll with people who want to lay in a washing machine because they think showers take a toll on their energy level.

Technology gone wrong.

Created by a wayward engineer.

I can’t imagine any issues with this at all. Chicago O’Hare, no problem. DFW, what could go wrong? For goodness sake, bags already roll—is that not enough for you slackers?

Where do I start?

Where do I start?

A portable, inflatable bench? How often are you really in need of a place to sit, and it’s so dire that you can’t just sit on the surface that covers the planet—OR STAND? Is it enough to warrant shopping for, purchasing, owning and traveling with an “emergency inflator bench?” Agree that the answer is NO and we’ll all get out of here in one piece.

I'm furious.

I’m furious.

This is what it says: With the easy pull-on sock aid, you no longer have to bend down and struggle to put your socks on. All you need to do is to stretch the sock over the support, slowly slide your foot in and pull handles.

Raise your hand if this sounds 3x harder than PULLING ON YOUR SOCKS. Can you imagine how much our forefathers hate us? Well, I can.

#parentingfail

#parentingfail

Let me get this straight. You slather your child in anti-bacterial hand sanitizer—between organic snacks and range-free eggs—but you let him do your floors? You might as well slap a mop on his face, too, because he’s probably going to try to lick the tiles while he’s at it. Welcome to a world of crime—where your baby is now an accomplice to your laziness.

Side Note: Don’t let that sweet baby’s willing expression fool you. He doesn’t even know his name … you think he has a clue about the pound of dust mites he’s housing?

I’ll close with this ill-conceived idea, and hope I’ve caught you before you click “purchase scooter bag.”

You won't be smiling like this in the face of dirty looks.

You won’t be smiling like this in the face of dirty looks.

This idea is deceptive. You might think it’s slightly genius; however, trust me when I say you won’t feel good about yourself dork-gliding to the tarmac this way.

If you’re not scared of (and scarred by) the lengths people go to, to demonstrate their laziness, you should be. I am. We’re just not going to conquer life this way. When butter and bananas are causing us grief, we’re in capital T trouble.

Good news! I just got an email that my Pizza Slicer Fork shipped! I’m sure I’ve got room for it somewhere.

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33 thoughts on “Next Level Lazy

  1. I am laughing so hard that I can barely leave a comment! I am ashamed on behalf of the people of Earth. This is a stellar collection of products, rivaling SkyMall’s collection! Also know that I’m now considering starting a band called Dork Gliding.

    • 🙂 Aren’t we repulsive? LOLLL. Otr, T, if you saw some asshat scootering through the AP, “DORK” would be one of the first 3 words that came to mind, right? I know the other two, too 😉

  2. As usual, I laughed all the way through this. However, I do have a question for you. On the human washing machine….when is the last time you visited a nursing home? It think that idea borders on genius. Just sayin’ . Also, the gadget that helps you pull on socks, let’s talk when I’m in my eighties. 🙂

  3. Oh my god…the laptop table. I can’t say have I ever once thought while typing, “gee, i would really like to be doing this in a completely prostrate position.” But the sitting strap…or whatever that is? No. Just no. And you know I am a fan of the banana slicer…or rather the comments on Amazon for the banana slicer. I almost wonder if someone invented that just to give us something to laugh at.

    I am, however, going to stick up for the sock thing. (Don’t you love my extensive vocabulary?) At first glance, it does look ridiculous. But now that my mom has neuropathy following a bad accident, I know exactly why some kind soul invented that. Putting on socks can be a terribly hard thing to do with your extremities don’t work correctly.

    But everything else…ridonkulous. If I ever see someone inflating a bench on the go, I am going to pop it.

    • Kelly! Why must you and my mom make my precious heart break for the elderly and ones-in-need?! Yes, yes, yes the sock thing is great for your mom … forgive … I was strictly thinking of people who can and should pull on their own socks, lol.

      I’m so extra happy to know you’ll pop any inflatable bench you see “on the go” … dying btw 🙂

      • How fun would it to be like the Thelma and Louise of inflatable bench popping? We would have so much fun.

        And I will give you this…I would laugh at any able-bodied person who used that sock thing. And then call them a lazy ass.

  4. This post is hilarious. What makes me crazy is that some people actually BUY this crap! As P.T. Barnum once said, “”There’s a sucker born every minute.”

    • Beth, I’d like to believe this is a safe room, and if I’m right, then it’s only fair that I tell you … if no one would know, and my shutters were closed, I would like to at least TRY the spinning spaghetti fork. Maybe a stainless steel one. But that’s just between us 😉

  5. The moment I went from silently laughing at this post to a literal LOL: “Oh good grief. I just saw what it’s called. Help.” about that dang Pour Thing!

    • And I know your “literal LOL” Whitney! It’s a good one! I seriously hadn’t noticed the name on that stupid thing until I was editing. It made me want to swing wildly at nothing and no one in particular. 🙂

    • You can level with me. Do you want it for your son or for yourself? If your answer is a little of both, I understand. The faster I can get the spaghetti in my mouth, the better. LOL, thanks for stopping by! 🙂

  6. So funny!! I used to know a girl whose family was notorious for buying weird things like this on QVC and beyond. While I saw them on TV and was like, “Aw, hellll no” for myself, I wanted to visit her house reaaaal reaaaal bad. Like it was an amusement park I could pay admission to, and just have one afternoon to try them all out in a private place where no one could judge me!

  7. I bought a remote controlled reclining chair that all I have to do is yell, “I’m ready to sit now!” and it rolls up behind me. I let my iPad read your blog to me while I was having my toenails trimmed with this new device I bought that trims, massages, and then compliments me automatically. Anyway, to get to the point, I don’t get your point. I love anything that saves me labor … and, as best as I can tell … that doesn’t make me lazy – it makes me smart.
    Hey, I’m ready to sit now! Here comes da’ chair, here comes da’ chair.
    If I were to be even remotely honest I would admit that I laughed out loud until my side hurt. What I really need is a device that will laugh for me.

    • You CRACK ME UP. “Anyway, to get to the point, I don’t get your point.” Why can I see so clearly you announcing you’re ready to sit and a chair rolling up? The visual is awesome. And you already HAVE a device that laughs for you—me. I laugh at all my jokes when we’re together. Remember … you know … how I crack us up? 😉

  8. I laughed so hard while reading this…until I came to the Onion Goggles. I have a pair! The baby mop had me in tears though–why didn’t I think of that when my kids were younger?!?

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