We Need To Talk

There is a particular type of behavior that rubs me wrong. I’m sorry if the following describes you; but if it does, rather than get mad at me, go ahead and take this opportunity to change your ways. I’m pretty sure I’m not the only person you’re bothering.

The truth is, I probably like you on the whole—and value the respect you have for your parents. Your work ethic is admirable and you make a killer casserole. However, I do not enjoy your attempts at getting a reaction.

Calling me and saying, “Heyyy, we need to talk” is a surefire way to be the least endearing person on the face of the planet. Wanna take a stab at being even less adorable? Then send me this text, “Hey, when are we going to discuss the elephant in the room?”

My eyes will glaze over with the desire for you to go play in traffic. I’m sorry—I know that’s harsh and I don’t really want you to do that (unless you promise to wear a blindfold). No, wait! I’m sorry—I don’t mean it! You’ve just trounced on my last nerve and now I’m lashing out. Come back, let’s discuss this like adults.

I promise you, it’s better to just be upfront. Drop the dramatics and just come out with it. Take a deep breath and say “Hey, here’s the deal—your salsa is too spicy for me.” I will LOVE you for this. There is no need to make me cringe from here to eternity as you set up a talk. Just step up to the plate and say what you have to say and I’ll use jalapenos instead of habaneros next time we get together.

Same rules apply for tougher issues. If you say to me, “There is something a bit touchy that we need to discuss and I know it’s going to upset you.” Please, for the love of all that is good in this world, just say, “I know we planned on taking a vacation together, but I need to spend my extra money on LASIK.” Boom, done, accepted. You have to know I want your vision to be 20/20. I mean, I love you—of course I loathe your near-sightedness as much as you do.

fbbslap

I’m not finished. There is a worse offender of trying to get a reaction—and this one is harder to forgive. It’s the Facebook post devised to get a reaction and draw inquiring responses. You know the status updates I speak of and you know who you are. Here we go.

“I guess hindsight IS 20/20.”

What?! Really?! That’s your update? Are you that starved for reactions? How do you expect people to reply? Is it actually satisfying to see people who care about you flood your wall with:
“Honey what happened?!”
“Oh no, what?”
“Bro, what’s up man—you alright?”

Is that gratifying?

When you post, “Well … I guess not everyone learned manners!”, does it do your heart good to see how many people rally around you with:
“Who hurt you?!”
“What in the world happened?!”
“Oh no, not what I think, right?!”

Are you just sitting back, nodding and grinning at how you’ve worked people up?

You post, “It was bound to happen someday”, and all your poor friends are responding with:
“Please tell us now!”
“Praying for you during this difficult time.”

But guess what? All I’m doing to reeling off these mock possibilities:
The batteries on your fire alarm went out during daylight hours?
You had a piece of rogue lettuce in your Taco Bueno burrito?
You got approached to be in a Cialis commercial with Al Gore?

I feel so very, very certain that if you just came on out with it, you’d get the same number of responses but save everyone the (relative) stress of wondering if everything is OK.

I think we should band together to stop this particular Facebook behavior (we’ll join forces again later to stop people from over-sharing personal information). We should all commit to replying in kind to these posts.

When you happen upon, “I never expected this”, I implore you to reply as quickly as possible, “Sorry for your lack of planning, but you’ll never in a million years guess what happened on the cheese aisle at Costco today.”

If you log in and read, “I’ve never been more sorry about anything”, please reply, “I could say the same thing after what I just did in front of Aunt Delores.”

I know two wrongs don’t make a right, but I’m also a strong believer in flipping the script on folks who impede the peaceful progress of the human race. We are a team—those of us with opposable thumbs—and when we encounter people who derail us from getting where we need to go, we have to put a mirror to their behavior.

So let’s recap. If someone calls you and says, “We have a problem and we need to talk,” keep your cool and say, “I like you and I’m going to give you the opportunity to try this again. I’m hanging up and I want you to call me back and tell me sometimes my fourth spritz of perfume is too much.”

And when you log into your Facebook account later and see that your college roommate has updated her status to, “I guess it’s time to turn the other cheek,” please reply within seconds, “Yeah, but after what I just did, I’m praying an ‘eye for an eye’ is just a metaphor.”

Last, but not least, if any of you ever see the Facebook status update, “Upset,” I trust you know what to do. Unfriend.

It’s our duty. Will you join me?

I’d love for you to join me on Facebook!

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39 thoughts on “We Need To Talk

    • Just honesty! I’m just glad to hear I’m not the only person that is rolls my eyes when I see someone using social media to demand attention. Thanks for reading mine as well! I’m very appreciative.

  1. Thinking I needed to read this since I have a horrible time pulling the trigger on a hard conversation! Love it that you put into words what I think all the time about the Facebook posts. Think I’ll have a little fun with that one and think up some really obnoxious responses next time I see one.

    Have to add my own two cents on people that leave a voice mail only saying “Call me”… If I didn’t answer it’s because I’m busy. Cut to the chase and say “my car broke down, can you drop ?? off at gymnastics for me at 4:00? Call back if it won’t work, otherwise i’ll assume you can do it.” Work with me people!!

  2. I laughed so hard when I read this! I love your style and I love your humor. It makes me smile to just sit back and soak in your observations. Keep ’em coming.

    Tedie West Retired

  3. Love your quirky thought process. When faced with semi-disturbing news, I’m not sure my mind has gone straight to exciting happenings on the cheese aisle at Cosco. But, maybe that’s the response they actually deserve. I’ll keep it in mind. I’m so grateful for funny people like you. Thank you for sharing. :))

    • I think my mind goes to the cheese aisle at Costco because deep down, I feel their FB post … when all is said and done … isn’t really truly disturbing! Thank you for your response and I love to make you laugh 🙂

  4. Once again I’m co-signing all of this. And I need to agree on the “call me” voice mail or text as well. The combo of annoyance + worry I get is not pleasant for anyone! Lol.

    • No one – I repeat no one – enjoys “call me.” It’s so easy to add a few words. Call me, I have a funny story. Call me, I found my watch. Call me, I got a raise. Otherwise, I think it’s: Call me, I wanna break up. Call me, I need money. Call me, I’m adopted.

      Thanks T-Money!! :)))

      • Yes exactly! I hear “call me” and my mind, panicked and fraught, fills in, “call me – I just got fired.” Or “call me, I just wrecked the car.” It triggers my WCS (worst case scenario).

  5. “I know two wrongs don’t make a right, but I’m also a strong believer in flipping the script on folks who impede the peaceful progress of the human race. We are a team—those of us with opposable thumbs—and when we encounter people who derail us from getting where we need to go, we have to put a mirror to their behavior.”
    I LOVE it and totally agree too! 🙂
    p.s. I just found this blog and will keep reading it in the future!

  6. Hosing! Thought I was the only one. The best is, my boss’s son, who is also one of my closest friends, will phone his dads phone while he’s busy, I’ll answer, he wants to speak to his dad about something, I say, “What is it, ’cause he’s busy.” and he hesitates and goes “No its cooooool, I’ll call back or ask him to call me…..” all cagey like and then I find out he just wanted to know when we will be home. I mean, for fucks sake………………… Its not a state secret! and We are friends and trade highly sensitive info all the time! So I get worried and think somethings wrong and his dad gets panicked and its nothing……siiiggggghhhhhhhhh……….and he does the status update things as well. i ignore them flat. and then he’ll ask if I saw his update and I’ll say, yes, but I assume if you wanted to talk to me you would, I aint going fishing.

  7. Love this post. I love stiring the poo on FB. When a post yells ” ASK me whats wrong!!” just so that they can leave you hanging ??WHY do that ? Is it just plain old egotistical attention seeking ? Do you really think that I care ?? YOU JUST WANT A BLOODY REACTION !!! Well how about this one. Tell them to get over themselves or better still unfriend them. If you cannot tell it like it is – don’t bother !!! Great writing Anna and well done for stiring me up enough to comment !!!

  8. Love the post and agree! I used to be one of those “we need to talk” people. Not to friends but to my poor significant other. His eyes would glaze over and you could tell he was just counting down the minute until we got this drama filled moment over with. Thankfully as I’ve matured I can just tell him that when you look at porn on your phone it pisses me off when I see the bill. Get the free app. And my Facebook friends who post vague info? I’ve long ago decided to use humor instead of inquiry. If they post something cryptic as hindsight is 20/20 I will comment back and say “Yeah you do need to check the expiration date on your birth control BEFORE you use it”. Some laugh, some unfriend me. Sigh. Oh well 🙂

    • I’m glad you’ve gone the humor route with the vague FB posters. Even after I wrote that post and PEOPLE WHO WERE GUILTY of such things read it … they still did it! Not one week after, someone’s FB status update was, “Oh, not again.”

      Really? Have I taught you nothing?! lol

      Thanks for coming by!!

      • “Oh no not again?” To which you should reply “you know you always crap yourself in public and forget extra pants. Why are you so surprised?” Or maybe keep it to yourself lol

  9. SOOOO AGREE!!!! My stance has always been to completely ignore those passive-agressive posts, but maybe I have to change my tactic. (I have one in my feed right now! “I feel anxious today”) Okay, if you say “I feel anxious about my cancer screening appt.” Valid. “I feel anxious about my job interview.” Valid. But “I feel anxious today”? I will not bite on that! I could respond, “I’d offer to take you out for a drink, but after last night I can’t show my face in public.” Hmmm. This could be fun!

  10. A “new to me” Anna post is just what I needed today! I love when you repost stuff I haven’t read yet. And to thank you for this, I’m going to post oddly specific and detailed facebook statuses all day tomorrow. I hope you’re ready to hear all about how my bathroom smells like pee because someone who shall remain nameless (the five-year-old) has the worst aim despite being the closest in size to the toilet. 🙂

    • I think I’ve only got 3 more to share that aren’t on my FB page! Hopefully you’ll enjoy them once they land. You should post once with, “One more week—I can do this!” Or, “They say you’re never given more than you can handle …” and then one crazy-detailed one and see which gets the most attention. I swear though, as much as I HAAATE the vague posts and feel in my heart others do, too … I’m astonished at how many people take the bait. We are BETTER THAN THAT, PEOPLE! 🙂

      • Ha!!! But it’s so true, isn’t it. I usually only respond if I actually know what the vague post is about…which probably doesn’t make me any better. But I breeze on by the ones I have no clue about.

Talk to me :)

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