Usually, when people get all amped up and fearful over things like Ebola and public breastfeeding, I’m just over here scared to death of sending a text to the wrong person, or accidentally hitting “like” on a Facebook post I hate.
So while you’re searching for the perfect bumper sticker to properly illustrate your feelings about Hillary in 2016, I’m fighting a losing battle with Saran Wrap—and pretty ticked about it.
From the time I tear it off, to the time I place it over a dish, one of two irksome things happen. It either curls up on itself like the melting wicked witch of the West, or it attaches itself around my arms—refusing to let go. Neither is behavior I tolerate well. Maybe it just doesn’t like its lot in life? If it did, it would take pride in its work and pull off effortlessly against the perforated edge, and stay spread out—like a flying sheet—as it approached a dish.
Anyway, here we are, Uniting In Fury like we have a couple of other times, about things that make us madder than they should. Let’s get it.
If there is anything more maddening than a water hose that loses its flow because it kinks, then you better tell me what it is. For some reason, it sends me into a place of near-rage, and I literally have to tell myself I’m being filmed so I don’t act a fool as I drop the nozzle to go untangle the disaster. Sometimes I try to whip it up and down to unravel it from afar.
I’ve found success with this method approximately no times.
I genuinely—as in, really and truly—believe it’s God messing with me to lighten His load. I think He’s up there handling a lot of real serious, real heart-heavy stuff and just needs some comic relief—and picks me to shake-laugh at. He kinks the hose, stops the water flow, watches me try to whip it around before making the walk of shame to the knotted part, then doubles over in His throne snorting. Then I think he taps Jesus on the shoulder and says, “You gotta watch this” as He makes it flip around like a dancing snake and spray me.
Get as fired up as you want about our borders or having to press one for English—I’m saving my wrath for people who double-click links online. When someone who isn’t new to computers does this, I want to fall on a rusty sword. If you’re nodding along with me, then you don’t do this; if your head is cocked like a little Jack Russell Terrier, then maybe you’re guilty. Ssshhh, we don’t even have to talk about it—if you double-click links, instead of single clicking them like the Good Lord intended, just stop, and I won’t make any more trouble for you.
Do you ever think of something you want to Google and when you get the chance later, you can’t remember what it was? So frustrating! It never helps when someone close to you tries to help.
You: Crap. What did I say I was going to Google? Do you remember?
Someone: Weren’t you going to look up Neti pots?
You: No. I already did that—like a week ago.
Someone: Were you going to see if you were eligible for an iPhone upgrade?
You: No. I mentioned it earlier, in the car, when we were passing the new Whole Foods.
Someone: Oh. Hmm. Was it when we were wondering if owls mate for life?
You: No. I already know they do. Well, they get around a little, but only make baby owls with the same owl.
Someone: You’re making that up. I want to Google it. Remind me later.
You: Come onnnnn, what was it? You were there when I brought it up!
Someone: I’m not sure; I just remember you asking about the blood moons.
You: Yeah, but I wasn’t going to Google that. I’ll just ask my parents.
Someone: OK, well I can’t help you. I’m out of ideas.
You: Oh! It was that Taylor Swift song! I wanted to see if the “hella good hair” reference was Harry Styles! *does a little happy jig*
Someone: How do you survive life?
Side Note: Speaking of Google, it’s fun to play the Google game when you have friends or family over. Everyone has to pull out their smart phone and say what they Googled last—no matter how embarrassing (“embarrassing” includes, but is not limited to, things they should already know and things they shouldn’t care to know.)
It’s awesome to watch everyone pull it up and then see heads drop.
Me: OK, quick, we’ll start with Rob and move clockwise—go.
Rob: How tall is Miley Cyrus?
Candace: What’s God’s address?
Brian: Does a watched pot really never boil?
Laura: How do I use my super powers for good?
Leslie: How can I plug a USB cord in the right way the first time?
Jennifer: Are mice just baby rats?
Justin: Why can’t I do a pull up?
Mike: How do you spell bootylicious?
Jocelyn: Do owls get around in the off season?
Promise me you’ll play it next time you have company.
Oh my gosh, I get so mad when I click over to ESPN and they’re showing the World Series of Poker. Are you kidding me with this? HGTV doesn’t show people playing Candy Land. CNBC doesn’t show the World Series of Monopoly. Stop this madness. I’m not saying the World Series of Poker shouldn’t exist, necessarily, I’m just asking that it be on the Game Show Network … or another channel I never go to, so I don’t have to be mad when I’m snacking on Takis and in the mood for SportsCenter.
What is it about individual athletes that makes them think it’s OK to talk about their good performance like a total douche-canoe? “Well, you know, I played amazing tennis today. And I’ve been playing incredible tennis for a few months now. I’m hitting the ball excellently and reading my opponent like a true master.”
Whoa! Really? I just went from cheering you on to kind of wanting you to lose the next few. When you hear a post-game interview with a star from a team sport, it’s typically more like, “Well, I couldn’t have done what I did without my teammates, man. They got me the ball and also did their thing when I was in that 2nd quarter slump. Our coaches had us ready with an amazing game plan and we worked hard to execute it all week. I gotta give it up to the staff and my teammates, and thank God for this chance.”
Then, a golfer. “I’m just really one-of-a-kind. I’m swinging a great club and my trajectory is unmatched. I’m one of the greats and will remain unchallenged the rest of the year if I just play my game.” Now I’m wishing individual sports would also be shown on the GSN.
Do you know what angers me on the highway more than a forgotten blinker? When I see a motorcycle with those absurdly high handle bars.
Doesn’t it just make their already rough motorcycle life harder? Who wants to steer above their head? How quick is their reaction time when their hands are completely numb? Which reminds me … if you have this kind of motorcycle and I end up anywhere near you, I better see you shaking some circulation back into your extremities when we get to a red light. Oh, for the love of Lucy. Are you kidding me? The handle bars have a name? APE HANGERS? Excuse me while I go work off this rage.
Recently I found myself mad at my sister. I was having to take a lot of extra time to text her; because, for some mind-boggling reason, she requires full spelling and grammar accuracy in texts. I was telling her something really important and she wrote back, “Is there a reason why you’ve stopped capitalizing words?” I just stared, open-mouthed before responding, “I haven’t stopped capitalizing—I’m just typing fast!” I waited on a quick “jk!” back, but nope, she responded, “Uh, not true. Lately you’ve been texting like maybe you didn’t pass the language portion of the SAT.”
So now it takes me twice as long to construct texts to her liking. The only thing that will assuage my anger, concerning this rule of hers, is that now I know exactly how to get under her skin. “hey sis, i was wndring if i could take libby 2 a movie tmrw?” Boom, take that, Lady. “Not if you can’t take more pride in your written word.” Bang. Winner: Big Sis.
Moving on.
What. The. Blankety. Blank. is this disaster?
Maybe it’s not ideal that something that makes you happy, makes me mad, but we’ll just have to move on. I refuse to spend one more second trying to understand whyyy anyone wants a mum so big it has to be worn like an apron.
A second cousin to the mum fiasco is the sorority girl side-pose and the group shot with a front row of half-squatters.
No, GUILTY PARTIES, it’s actually not necessary. I was in group pics for a few decades, where not one single solitary person pulled this crap—AND WE WERE ALL ACCOUNTED FOR. When I see these pics, my jaw tightens and I immediately imagine our forefathers seeing one and becoming awash in confusion, and then I feel sad about their confusion and extra mad at the girls who confused them.
I’m also not happy about the frequency with which I’m still seeing memes, status updates and tweets that end in “said no one ever.” It was semi-partially-a-tiny-bit OK for about four weeks. That time has come and gone, Folks. I feel the same about “at the end of the day.” I fully understand how easy it is to use this phrase, I just ask people to mix it up with, “when it’s all said and done” or maybe, I don’t know … silence. While we’re on this topic, I’ll go ahead and tell you that “just sayin’” is going to get its own blog post some day. Until then, please try to pull back on this one, as well.
Side Note: I got a text from my mom awhile back:
Promise me here and now that you’ll never use the “said no one ever” line.
Oh, don’t worry—I promise.
Thank you Sweetie. Sleep good. Ily
Now I can’t stop venting my anger.
Bad perfume angers me on its own; but, the fact that bad perfume is always worn too heavily—like she dunked herself in it and then re-applied it to each pulse point every hour—makes me want to twist up a wet towel and pop her with it. I don’t care if she’s 30 or 90, I’ll snap her good. It’s not maddening just because it’s not my kind of scent, it’s that the worst perfumes (and the ones worn like a cloak) actually make my stomach hurt like I’m sitting in traffic behind a diesel truck.
I love Pinterest dearly, but I lose it when I’m trudging through a healthy eating week, and then happen upon some cheddar drop biscuits. Are you serious with this? Do you know what someone like me does to biscuits? Probably what someone like you does to warm cookies. It’s not for innocent eyes. I wish Pinterest would implement something similar to child safety settings, but for people trying to eat well. Then I don’t have to obliterate a healthy-eating run just because I scroll past some buffalo mac and cheese. We could also turn on the safe settings when we get back from vacation, and don’t want to see all the new places we have to wait another year to visit.
Last thing (for today) … there is something people say that makes me mad enough to tackle them—and lead with my helmet.
“I’m bored.”
Even typing it makes me see red. This response is not my own, but I wish it was because I love it so much. Someone once said, “You have seen none percent of this world—boredom is inconceivable.” And it truly is impossible for me, thus far in my life, to be bored. I’m never, ever bored. As long as I’ve got ears to hear, eyes to see and a voice to converse—and as long as there are books and food and loved ones—there isn’t a way in the world to be bored. I think I’d punish my child more for saying she’s bored than for using the F-word.
Just sayin’.
OK, let’s hear it. Y’all always have such funny things that get you worked up and mad. I want to hear them!
I can’t smile for photos, let alone pose like an idiot. That’s why I am usually the one clicking the photos… oh well, I get to laugh at people.
And the absurdly high handle bars have a reason..they’re there to reduce the biker’s arm fat.
There probably is an actual reason for the high handler bars, so I’m hoping someone will enlighten me. I’m not sure I’ll accept the reason, but I’d still like one 🙂
My brother has these handlebars and says they are actually easier to steer with. But he bought them because they look cool to him. But you’re missing the bigger picture. Motorcycles themselves are not really a practical mode of transportation. They’re dangerous, you can’t really talk on the phone or listen to anything. That helmet will totally mess up your hair and you can’t really get dressed up and ride your motorcycle to someplace fancy. A motorcycle is almost strictly about personality. So the ape hangers are just a manifestation of that individuality.
Btw, this is Elliot, and I hate the idea of being anonymous!
You’re actually so right—and I’m not just saying that because you’re a master debater. Now I’m laughing, but anyway, you’re right and I have nothing to say for myself except, if I’m sitting next to him at a light and he’s not shaking circulation back into his hands, I’m laying on my horn until he does. TELL HIM THAT.
I don’t like you being anonymous either—maybe you can fix that. 🙂
One of my sisters says “….just sayin” all.the.time. I would like to rip her head off, but instead I ignore any text or email that ends with that phrase.
🙂
I loved your list!! But I am on your sisters side with the text speak….. I insist my family use full words while texting me, we all have full keyboards on our phones, USE THEM! 🙂
Oh, don’t get me wrong, I don’t text the way I said I do when I’m trying to annoy her—my infractions were so minor! I’m on board with relatively proper texting, too 🙂
Drive-thru lines, inconsiderate drivers, inspirational memes all over Facebook, Facebook and general all-around a-holes. That about sums it up.
Well then your life isn’t too shabby! You could actually avoid most of that. I, however, cannot seem to avoid sorority poses … and it’s going to end me. 😉
love it!! We are sisters in frustration…the water hose thingy drives me INSANE. I cannot count the arguments Damon and I have had over this because I am certain that he purposely let us use cheap water hoses for years just to aggravate me. Yes, I believe the more expensive the hose…the fewer kinks. The sorority girl pose!!! Hysterical! And also the teen girl forehead wrinkle selfie…know what I’m talking about?? “Said no one ever” and “just sayin’ ” make me cringe. Bad perfume is only outdone with the cloud of bad old man aftershave (40 year old Aqua Velva??) that I occasionally have to pass through while I’m on a run. I’m a proper texter too…I’m team Jeni on this one 🙂
Tammy, wait! I’m MOSTLY team Jeni, but what y’all aren’t understanding is, it’s not like I was texting, “y ru still asleep while im up doing yrd wrk?” It was more like, “Hey Sis, what was the name of that site you said i should see?” ONE TINY INFRACTION! (laughing)
I actually think Damon was messing with you, too—with the cheap hoses. One of ours that’s the worst thing you’ve ever used in your life … it’s getting thrown OUT in the spring and we’re getting a more expensive, tougher one IF IT’S THE LAST THING I DO!
Yes, I know the forehead wrinkle selfie. I believe The Biebs is to blame. 90% of his are like that.
Thanks TB! 🙂
totally forgot about the mums…yes people please stop!
I laughed many times throughout this post. Thanks!
I want to scream when I hear “it is what it is”.
Totally with you on the mum thing. My daughter is 8, can you imagine how large they will be by the time she is in high school?
It’s so frustrating as a parent to hear your child say “I’m bored”. Piper seems to say it most often while riding in the car so I bought a Time Magazine and an Encyclopedia for Kids. Worked like a charm 🙂
Aimee, what will we do when she’s of mum age? Maybe they’ll just wear them like a mascot costume?
OK, now I want that to happen—don’t hate me.
Nice move on the Time and Encyclopedia, lol! 🙂
Our silverware handles are really heavy, and no matter how I strategically place them on my plate once finished eating, that damn fork ALWAYS ends up falling off by the time I get to the sink. Clearly I don’t have steady hands and the world is lucky I was never a waitress, but still! So maddening!
And, the last thing I googled on my phone was “What is a bois d’arc bench,” compliments of re-reading The Gamble this month:) Mike looked up GMC Acadia review. We’re lucky these aren’t more embarrassing!
I could comment on every one of these because they are awesome!! Yesyesyesyesyes.
Oh Jennifer, I haaaaaate a falling fork or knife. SO BAD. You should replace y’alls silverware. Snort. No, really.
My mom is on her 2nd Acadia. Hopefully Google pointed him to my mom 😉
These are all great ideas for things that I need to steal so I can be bitter about them. Especially the freaking induhvidual sports people and the World Series of Poker. Gimme sports center or get the heck off.
Would you believe I thought of you when I posted? I hoped you’d read so we could bitter it up together. Induhvidual sports—I’ll be using that. Hope your day is as bitter as is gets.
Just so you know, I read the the following conversation as if it was being said by Napoleon Dynamite and his brother Kip: “You (Napoleon): Crap. What did I say I was going to Google? Do you remember? Someone (Kip): Weren’t you going to look up Neti pots? You (Napoleon): No. I already did that—like a week ago.”
Also…OWLS!
I love your knack for honing in on those exact things so many of us do and making them funny. Like the thing with the hose. I totally do that. Except it isn’t funny when I do…just when you talk about it.
I went back and read it as ND, too and I LOVE IT. I do a pretty good ND, btw. Thanks for the tip—it actually made my day even better!
OWLS!
The hose is only funny when it has nothing to do with you (or me). And this awful one we’ve got has a few more months before it’s getting tossed. It is such a piece of garbage. Sometimes it’ll kink over a kink and then kink in 3 more places. And when I un-kink one, it gives life to a new one. It’s like it’s made out of saran wrap.
Ha! Sounds like you need the x-pro hose. Look it up.
My parents got one and HATED it. Threw it away! But I think Jocelyn’s mom got one and loved it … so IDK! Anyone else had a good/bad experience with the X-Pro Hose?
I was thinking of getting one. Does that count?
I think you touched on just about everything. I am laughing uncontrollably. Next time … make this several posts … so I can laugh every day!
Thanks Monique!! Did you read part one and part two I linked to? That might tide you over until a fourth roles around 😉
Actually, I didn’t but I will!
I’ll make this brief …. K?
Seriously, the water hose problem is the primary cause of most of the ills of this world. We finally found one that doesn’t kink – it is just too heavy and too stiff to use. Why can’t the Unitied Nations address this issue? Just sayin’
I can’t even address the perfume/cologne issue. Even with my age-induced loss of smell I cannot understand why people can’t figure this one out !!! Again … just sayin’.
i lol’d while rdng this.
Keep ’em coming. The laughter does your old man’s heart good.
So how do I find a hose that behaves, but that I can maneuver? Should this be so hard? Oh and I know how you feel about perfumes/colognes (especially musk) 🙂
Glad you got a laugh before you hit the stage tonight. Thinking of you!
Adding to the overused meme pool: I was DONE with the “Keep Calm and …” memes about oh, (looks at watch) 100 years ago or so? And I’m so with you on the Saran Wrap, the link double-clickers and the unnatural photos poses. I cannot have them! Also laughed out loud over the Google / owl conversation being picked up back in the Google search game under Jocelyn’s name!
How did I forget the KEEP CALM crap? Ditto ditto ditto! *bows* re: google/Jocelyn 🙂 I need to start keeping the gifs you email me because you always find the BEST ones … plenty that would properly depict my Saran Wrap rage, etc. 🙂
How about when your purse spills in the car?!! My kids can’t seem to grasp the utter and complete red I see when my purse slides off the seat and its entire contents roll around on the floorboard never to be seen or heard from again. They are all “Sheesh mom get a grip” and I’m all ” Sheesh you get a grip of my purse next time!”
This made me LOL. I know the ferocity with which you delivered the last line to the kiddos bc there may be NOTHING more infuriating than a spilled purse. Oh wait—I know what. When it happens and you’re finally to a red light and you lean over to retrieve it and the seat belt clamps you back down. NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! 🙂
You had me laughing from the start on this one. I have one confession to add to the list and I think you will share my pain: weed eaters that won’t start no matter what you do. My solution: slam them up against the fence or a brick wall until they really can’t work……ever again. Also, maybe you should spring the Google game on everyone at Thanksgiving. 😛
Isn’t it funny how this particular thing makes you mad enough to be OK with busting the weed eater? Like, destroying it seems like a workable solution? I’ve been there!! I see no other option than to play the Google game at TG 🙂
My major problem with almost anything involves other people. Do I really need them? Why are there so many of them? And honestly, why can’t they keep their mouths shut?
There really are a lot of them, huh? Seems a little excessive if you ask me. 😉
This is Paula, btw, in case it shows up as anonymous. I’m pretty much on the same page as Gregory above. It’s someone else who leaves the empty roll of toilet paper on the spindle that irritates the crap out of me. It’s someone else who runs out of unsweet tea just when I pull up to the drive thru. It’s someone else who can’t seem to grasp the concept of the words “sell” and “sale.” Jeez……………………lol great post!
Did you mention the toilet irritating the crap out of you on purpose, Paula? Or was it just an awesome coincidence? 😉
The fight with the water hose is real! We even bought the no-kink hose only to find that it does indeed kink too! J and I had a little system down and would double team that damn thing. And I’m always fearful of my poor grammar and spelling when texting/emailing you. I just make things pretty and then call you to make sure it reads right! 🙂
Oh, and I love our cameos!
The struggle is real, Candace. Funny, you don’t seem fearful of texting me with poor grammar and spelling. KIDDING! So kidding. You can still call me to make sure things read write, even after I’m no longer at 1-2156 🙂