I follow some Pinterest boards dedicated to cool gadgets and interesting technology. Lately, a few of them have become overrun with devices marketed as time-savers, but actually, they’re just, “Things you’d buy if you were too lazy to deserve life.” I ask myself time and time again, “Are we that lazy?!” And when I say we, I mean you.
Let’s jump off with some food prep. I don’t go a week without seeing one of these gems pop up somewhere. Never once have I thought, “Now there’s a utensil I can get behind.” First of all—and this is a hard truth we’ll circle back to—you don’t have room for another outlandish gadget. You don’t. I know you don’t.
When did slicing a banana become so cumbersome that you tried to think of a workaround? Bananas are soft; you could cut them with the wrong side of a butter knife. You don’t need this task to be easier.
Interestingly enough, an avocado’s consistency is similar to a banana. Who dices a soft avocado and thinks, “My life is hard enough without having to carve all these lines. Why does guacamole require so much elbow grease?”
Side Note: Introduce me to something that preps a pineapple or spaghetti squash in one motion, and I’m in.
Anyone who buys—or even wants—a gadget to crack eggs, needs to consider which life decisions led to this downward spiral. The only thing hard about cracking an egg is nothing. Save your money and enroll in a camp to toughen up.
When is the last time you thought, “The world would be pretty drama-free if we just didn’t have to slice butter”? Does anyone watch an injustice and nod to themselves thinking, “Oh, karma’s gonna get you, kiddo, and I hope you rot in sewer while slicing sticks of butter ALLLLL day.” The answer is no—no one has these thoughts.
Do you honestly need to sit down to peel potatoes? The only possible time I could imagine this need is if you were peeling potatoes for the city of Los Angeles. And remember, you don’t have room for another gadget—especially this one.
Don’t ever let me walk in and catch you doing this. I’d rather walk in on anything—yes anything—else. You could dedicate your life to training service dogs and teaching sign language to toddlers, and if I walk in on you using one of these, you are dead to me.
Look at me. LOOK at me. We do not give forethought to how we want to sit at the beach, and make purchases based on its inherent discomforts. If you need help sitting this way—because it’s simply too demanding—then don’t sit this way. We’re not debating this.
If you’re not wearing Underoos or getting tucked in at night, you can’t use this fork (even if it’s available in solid colors). You’re going to have to actually move your wrist and manually twist the spaghetti on a big girl fork. Please don’t succumb to this level of laziness or tell yourself it’s neat-o.
I don’t care if you grill out seven nights a week—this grate-scrubbing gadget is unacceptable. You also have no room for it. Don’t fool yourself into thinking it makes you an even cooler grill master; it actually negates your BBQing coolness. The only people who will tell you otherwise probably use the banana slicer. Be wary.
No, Ma’am. If you’re prone to tears when chopping onions, a tool already exists for that—it’s called coping. We do not wear goggles to prep onions.
You will never convince me this is a good idea. The first reason has been established—you don’t have room for it. Beyond that, the list of issues inherent to this gadget is lengthy. Please just go with tradition and lift the milk out like a normal, non-lazy, not-crazy human. Oh good grief, I just saw what it’s called. Help.
A human washing machine, huh? There is a time and place for getting bathed by someone else—it’s called infancy. Obviously no one could afford this monstrosity (and you don’t have room for it, anyway.) But even if you could swing it financially, if I ever find out you looked at it longingly and did mental budgeting, we’ll be parting ways. Some call it tough love, I call it tough shit. I don’t roll with people who want to lay in a washing machine because they think showers take a toll on their energy level.
I can’t imagine any issues with this at all. Chicago O’Hare, no problem. DFW, what could go wrong? For goodness sake, bags already roll—is that not enough for you slackers?
A portable, inflatable bench? How often are you really in need of a place to sit, and it’s so dire that you can’t just sit on the surface that covers the planet—OR STAND? Is it enough to warrant shopping for, purchasing, owning and traveling with an “emergency inflator bench?” Agree that the answer is NO and we’ll all get out of here in one piece.
This is what it says: With the easy pull-on sock aid, you no longer have to bend down and struggle to put your socks on. All you need to do is to stretch the sock over the support, slowly slide your foot in and pull handles.
Raise your hand if this sounds 3x harder than PULLING ON YOUR SOCKS. Can you imagine how much our forefathers hate us? Well, I can.
Let me get this straight. You slather your child in anti-bacterial hand sanitizer—between organic snacks and range-free eggs—but you let him do your floors? You might as well slap a mop on his face, too, because he’s probably going to try to lick the tiles while he’s at it. Welcome to a world of crime—where your baby is now an accomplice to your laziness.
Side Note: Don’t let that sweet baby’s willing expression fool you. He doesn’t even know his name … you think he has a clue about the pound of dust mites he’s housing?
I’ll close with this ill-conceived idea, and hope I’ve caught you before you click “purchase scooter bag.”
This idea is deceptive. You might think it’s slightly genius; however, trust me when I say you won’t feel good about yourself dork-gliding to the tarmac this way.
If you’re not scared of (and scarred by) the lengths people go to, to demonstrate their laziness, you should be. I am. We’re just not going to conquer life this way. When butter and bananas are causing us grief, we’re in capital T trouble.
Good news! I just got an email that my Pizza Slicer Fork shipped! I’m sure I’ve got room for it somewhere.