day dreaming

Nip Tuck

Cosmetic surgery is overrated. While smaller noses and bigger boobs have their place in society, neither contribute directly to the mission of creating a harmonious, cooperative world. A co-worker with calf implants won’t make the work day easier, but you know what will? A co-worker with common sense implants. Enter: Character Surgery. Imagine the possibilities. […]

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Meant To Be

Have you ever thought you were destined for something? Do you possess unconfirmed, yet irrefutable knowledge that a certain existence is meant for you? Me, too. Through all the iterations of life, I’ve never shaken the idea that I’m meant to be BFF’s with a celebrity. And when it happens, it’ll be so organic—and that’s […]

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Would You Rather

I think I’m hard-wired to make a game out of nearly everything. If Jocelyn asks me to grab a new roll of paper towels, I will, but only if she yells, “180! Set! Hike!” and I’m able to hike them across the kitchen. Like, why would anyone just hand over something they can hike? I’m […]

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Dream On

I have ridiculous dreams. They’re vivid and memorable, but mostly insane. For as long as I can remember, I’ve had a very active dream life, recalling details with spectacular clarity. I know people who don’t remember their dreams and don’t really understand how profoundly certain ones can affect you. They’ll listen to me describe a […]

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Time to Rhyme

Sometimes I just have to rap. Yes, this means I use extremely bad language to explore wildly inappropriate topics. I’m sorry. I’m not especially proud that I’m a walking Urban Dictionary—capable of going toe-to-toe with Kanye and Jay-Z. When I need to rap (and it is a need), I’d prefer it to be in the […]

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Guilty As Charged

It should come as a surprise to no one that I’d like to do a little time. I’m not talking about Rikers Island or anything. A medium-security outfit is more my speed. I’d say minimum–for the simple fact that the other felons and I could watch Golden Girls in the evening–but I’m not overly interested […]

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Crazy For You

I can’t flip through channels and see the San Francisco 49ers without thinking of him. I can’t even see any of their memorabilia because the colors alone take me back. Starting in 7th grade, my entire existence revolved around Coach Scott McCahon and his red and khaki Ford Bronco. Why his Bronco? Simple—where it was, […]

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Fielding My Tribe

I love to sit in meetings and field a team. If it’s a smaller meeting with a mix of people I do and don’t know, I’ll just determine who I want for a flag football team. Easy enough. It’s not difficult for me to peg a great defensive tackle or crafty wide receiver. Not much […]

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